... dating intentionally and creating my own safety net.
Approaching dating and the apps a little differently for once.
Hi friends,
Do you ever find that you’re better at giving others advice than taking your own? That is me 80% of the time. I love sharing words of wisdom to help friends make sense of their experiences and work through a situation, and I have wondered why I don’t coach myself in the same way. This isn’t a very recent self-discovery but something I’ve noticed over the last year. I’m not someone who talks out loud to herself for a good pump-up moment, but I am the type who works through my thoughts by writing in a journal or here in this newsletter for all of you to read. lol Writing out loud is a daily practice that has helped me solidify and release a lot of emotions. So in today’s newsletter, I am writing to me, for me, and for anyone out there who is looking to navigate the dating world a little differently – with optimism, hope, and intention.
My dating posts are typically behind a paywall because I feel much more comfortable discussing personal details that way, but this one has advice that I’d love for everyone to have access to. If you feel so inclined to become a paid subscriber and donate to my content, I will be so appreciative. Thank you for being here.
Enough with the negative outlook
Back when I was addicted to Instagram, it was easy to come across a viral dating story of a girl who was ghosted, men love-bombing women, rants about why women are superior to men, break-up posts, divorces, and memes about men doing the bare minimum or why women are better off single. Truth be told, I was always quick to mass message those memes to all my single girlfriends to share a good laugh because 9 out of 10 memes resonated with something we experienced at some point in our dating journeys. The more memes I sent or break-up posts I engaged with the more the algorithm filled my feed with these unfortunate tales. When this was all I was seeing it made me feel so bitter towards men and dating. I started to generalize men as an incomparable population and had very little hope in the concept of intimate relationships. The bitterness built up over time. The pessimistic outlook felt like a physical weight in my body just holding me back, and suddenly those memes were no longer humorous to me. I had an epiphany – I didn’t want to envision men in such a negative light anymore. The experiences I read about or see from other people are their stories to tell, but they won’t necessarily be my story. I realized that I was going to see more of what I believed, and if I believed that “men are trash” then that was what I was going to detect and potentially attract.
I remember last Fall when I returned from my trip to France, a girlfriend sent me a snippet from a podcast that trash-talked men and I felt myself shudder. I wanted to shake the feeling that followed that negative content and I mentioned to her that I no longer want to allow myself to be consumed by other people’s limiting beliefs seen on social media. I want to remain hopeful that my person is out there and I don’t want to live in a mindset of doubt, spite, or resentment towards men as a population. Because if you think about it, what if you flipped the script 180 and you hear a man referring to all women as trash/terrible/inferior, etc? Would you want to date that man? For me, that is a hard and fast no. And if I’m looking for an equal partnership, that means that neither of us should devalue the other person in any way even if we are just thinking it!
So I decided to ditch the generalized negative statements about men. I ditched the act of absorbing other people’s unfortunate dating events. I surrender all doubt that my person isn’t out there. And I’ve chosen to see the good because I believe that if we can see it in one person it becomes easier to spot in others.
Back on the apps
As some of you may know, the last time I used Hinge I was gallivanting around Paris. It was the most fun city to meet someone different and explore many firsts for me. Even though we didn’t stay in touch when I returned to Charleston, my time with him healed my nervous system in unexpected ways. When I got home, I took a break from dating – it felt like I was ending the year on a great note with that Paris story to reminisce on. Now in the new year, as I become more of a hermit and even more disconnected from people while I live life off of Instagram, I’ve been encouraged by a friend to rejoin Hinge and put myself out there again. I’ll admit I really didn’t want to do it but also had to be realistic with myself – I love this life I’ve built for me, I love my alone time, and of course, I want to share this life with another person, but where do I expect to meet them?? I obliged, updated my profile, and reset my location from Paris to Charleston. Le sigh. I’ll admit that for the first 24 hours, it was kind of brutal. The options were very mid. I knew this time around that I wanted diversity, political alignment, emotional availability, someone worldly, cultured, not basic, well-traveled, and intentional. So I decided to experiment with setting my location to Atlanta and I feel like I’ve cheated the system because Hotlanta has been answering all of my prayers. Disclaimer: I actually have never visited Atlanta, but I do have close friends there who I had already planned to see very soon. The moral of the story here is if you’re unhappy with your results, change your environment. lol
When I do match with someone, I am upfront with the fact that I don’t actually live there. So far, that hasn’t been a dealbreaker. Knowing myself and my flexible schedule, long distance is not something I’m opposed to doing, especially since I haven’t had much luck here in Charleston. For context, I’ve lived in Charleston since July 2017 and haven’t been in a serious relationship the entire time I’ve lived here. In the past 7.5 years, I’ve met some really outstanding men who live out of state, but we were ultimately incompatible. However, in my heart of hearts, I have always felt that my caliber of a man doesn’t exist in Charleston. I know he exists, I just don’t think he’s within the 20-mile radius of my home. And when you really think about it, how can you expect to use the apps and restrict yourself to finding your right match within a short distance? The world is your oyster.
Switching things up
This time around I am approaching the apps very differently than I have in the past and with a much more open mind and open radius. First things first:
Tell no one
I used to excitedly tell my friends about a first date as soon as it was planned. I’d share intel about cute text messages exchanged, sweet chivalrous gestures, and information I found online about the person (I know you do it, too). And then I’d quickly find myself feeling deflated after dates one/two/three had “failed”. I hyped up myself, and my friends, for nothing. Not only that but I’d list off this guy’s entire résumé based solely on what I’ve discovered online or through his Instagram. I felt like a hot air balloon and friends would gas me up with “Oooo’s” and “ahhh’s” or be quick to have an enthusiastic opinion, which would send me high into the sky even before really getting to know the guy sitting in front of me. Then BAM we’re out of hot air and I come crashing down in the basket just me, myself, and I.
I know myself well enough by now to see the patterns with my emotions and I find that I tend to absorb the opinions and judgments of other people when it comes to my dating life. I think that’s where I need to be really careful with the specifics that I share because you never know if a friend will project their past experiences (good or bad) onto you. This time around I am keeping my cards close to my chest and not sharing details about the prospects with any friends. They don’t get a backstory or profile of the person. They honestly will not know I’m exclusive with someone until I’m 6-months into it. Instead of running to girlfriends for their input, I am turning inward to have conversations with my gut instincts (and my journal). If I have to question the connection or ask a friend for their opinion because I feel confused about how the person feels about me, then the answer is simple, he’s just not the one.
No more pedestals
I have a long history of putting men on pedestals based on first impressions. After many rude awakenings, I have finally learned that the right relationships don’t have pedestals. As I mentioned above, learning about someone through their LinkedIn, Instagram, or even through a mutual friend of a friend is not learning anything – it’s surface-level discovery. Let the person show you who they are in the first few dates. Go into it with an open mind and not starry eyes. Don’t let any preconceived belief cloud your judgment of who this person wants to show up as for you. When you do the pre-date stalking, you’re kind of constricting this person into a box where they didn’t ask to be put. But if you give the person (and yourself) space to breathe and be free, you may find yourself more accepting of the direction it ends up going. Because every connection is unique, and people should always be given a chance to show you who they really are.
Dating multiple people (at the beginning)
I typically am a one-track mind kind of gal when it comes to dating apps. If I find a connection, I run with it until I can’t anymore. I usually have a hard time splitting my energy up between multiple people and a part of me feels somewhat guilty for doing it. But I have to remember that the early phase isn’t that serious and if I’m serious about finding the right partner for me, I’m allowed to explore the options to find the right fit. So I’m out here putting eggs in multiple baskets.
Write down every feeling
Writing is my favorite method for processing my thoughts and feelings. I mentioned in my last post how I do my morning pages daily where I write three pages of stream of consciousness. It doesn’t have to make sense, I just have to word vomit on the paper. I almost always end up discovering the answers to my own questions. Since I am dating multiple people this time around, I have found journaling to be especially helpful when it comes to deciphering and differentiating my feelings for each prospect.
Being honest with myself (and the other person) about what I want
As I was swiping through the profiles in my inbox, there were some very established men. One guy was a surgeon, another a professor, another an engineer and it was the first time I admitted to myself that I actually want someone who has the same career flexibility as I do. I love to travel and plan to lean into travel photography more this year so I’d love for my partner to have the option to join me on these work trips that we can also turn into our own adventures. I was afraid to admit that to myself sooner because I thought it would shrink my pool of options, but it honestly makes me feel even more hopeful since I’ve encountered some self-employed prospects who fit this desire really well and love to travel.
Love bombing is a good and bad experience
‘Like’ this post if you’ve ever been love-bombed. This has happened to me a few times before but I never let it get too far. You can hear about wild love bombing stories in relationship/dating podcasts, Instagram accounts, TikTok, and probably from a close friend. Sometimes I’m shocked to see men so surprised when they uncover the definition of the term, and that they don’t know it’s a viral behavior women try to avoid. It’s shocking that the male culprits still go around acting a fool from one woman to the next. But I mean… you can’t expect everyone to be self-aware. However, knowledge is power, baby, and you have the power to know what love bombing looks and sounds like!
If you don’t know what it is, here’s the Google definition:
"Love bombing" refers to a manipulative tactic where someone showers another person with excessive affection, compliments, and attention in the early stages of a relationship, often with the goal of quickly gaining their trust and dependence, which can later be used to control or devalue them in the relationship; essentially, it's an overwhelming display of love that seems too good to be true, often leading to feelings of being manipulated or pressured to commit quickly
I’m grateful that it’s happened to me before so that my instincts are familiar with the behavior and the tactics that are put in place by a love bomber. Now I know how quickly to walk away from someone as soon as I spot it. It’s certainly not fun to be on the receiving end of a love bomber’s spell, but it’s a lot more peaceful to be far, far away from it.
On the opposite end of love bombing, the right connections should flow with ease. There are no extreme peaks and valleys, just a calm steadiness of taking interest and answering curiosities about the other person. The way I have looked at it is – if this person is meant to be my forever partner, then we have forever and there is no need to rush anything right now.
Independent and taken care of
This one was hard for me to admit for a while. I grew up with a very strong-willed mother. I love her to death. She is the most badass woman I know and I have never heard her speak negatively about herself or say “I can’t do it.” She has met every challenge in life, big or small, with “I will do it.” I am so lucky to have a role model like her and I have found as I get older that I have slowly become a younger version of her. lol, I laugh at myself for letting this happen, but I also love it. She has always told me from a young age to have my own money, my own career, and never financially depend on a man. I lived by that mantra throughout my 20s and early 30s to the point where I’d say, with a very sassy attitude, “I don’t need a man. I’m independent and can do XYZ on my own.” And then I’d go on dates and split the check and complain about chivalry being dead. So which was it? What side of the coin do I want to be on? Well, there doesn’t have to be opposing sides. Because being independent and wanting to be taken care of by a partner does not have to be mutually exclusive. I will always have independence with my career and my money, but I also shouldn’t use my independence as a shield from receiving love and affection in any form from another person. I’m not going to let my pride get in the way this time.
Remain anonymous-ish
I’ve decided to not share my last name with any matches until maybeeee right before we meet/after we’ve spent time getting to know each other for a week or so. I also don’t ask guys for their last names – I don’t want to know or be tempted to look up their info and I don’t want them looking me up either!
Check their prompts
If a guy took the time to answer his prompts thoughtfully and genuinely – as in no short basic boring answers – then that’s usually the tell that he is being intentional and serious about dating, too.
Other thoughts about dating…
I really need women to stop putting a man on blast on Instagram or TikTok after having a bad first date experience. It’s just a distasteful act of putting bad juju out there. (This frustration applies only to the situations where neither person was physically harmed on the date.) I have seen viral content about women exposing men for ghosting them after date one/two/three. And what I hope for women to understand is that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay and that is perfectly OK. When you really think about it, before the first date, you never even knew this person existed. They have the choice to walk away just as much as you do and we cannot be liked by everyone we meet. I’m not here to normalize ghosting behavior because I do believe as adults we have to show respect and common decency for another human being, but also remember that you cannot expect you from everyone else. As much as you would’ve handled it differently and not ghosted the guy, it says more about him than it does about you, so good riddance! Thank god he showed you who he really is early on because now there is no more time to waste. Any feelings you had for him should be left to die in the same grave he ghosted you from.
I’ll end with this:
Without a doubt in my mind, I was meant to be single for the last 8.5 years – my last relationship ended in 2016. I was meant to have those years to build a stronger relationship with myself. Because if I wasn’t universally forced to learn how to love and heal myself fully in that space of time I would have absolutely repeated the same self-abandoning patterns and anxious attachment style from my previous relationships. I would not have been given the opportunities to stand on my own two feet, nourish the dream of having my own business, foster the incredible friendships in my life, own my first home and decorate it just for me, and learn how to live alone and love it. At the end of the day, if it is just me and my cat in this life, I know I will be OK because in all these single girl years, I’ve created a home within myself which is the safety net I’ve always wanted.
You just gained a new follower. Love everything about your post 💛
This is incredible! Even as a married person, I loved reading this.